This post was written by Sydney Jo Pedersen, a Humanities Center student fellow.
“The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place.”
- George Bernard Shaw
Even before they speak their first word, a child begins to communicate. They express surprise with raised eyebrows, joy with a smile, and hunger with a cry. As children enter the babbling stage—combining random sounds to form long streams of nonsense—they begin to grasp basic rules of discourse. A child offers a short burst of sounds and then waits in anticipation for the parent to reply with phrases like, “Oh really?” and “Yes, yes I know.” Although this back-and-forth exchange may not communicate anything we would consider meaningful, it teaches a child an essential principle of communication: turn-taking.
Turn-taking is the call-and-response nature of conversation. One speaker says something, and then another offers a response. Some turns, such as greetings, may only be one or two words:
“Hello.” → “Hello.”
“Thank you.” → “You’re welcome.”
Other turns may be ten or fifteen minutes long. There are a few ways that speakers may mark the end of their turn. The easiest way is to ask a question such as, “What do you think?” This gives the second speaker the floor to answer and elaborate on their own thoughts. A speaker could mark the end of their turn with a dip in pitch or a pause in speech. They may also trail off on a word like “and,” “but,” “so,” or “well” to invite the listener to jump in. If speakers break eye contact while telling a story, returning their gaze to the listener may also show that the speaker is ready to switch roles and pass the torch.[1]
Perhaps you remember using a conch shell or talking stick in elementary school to assist this process. A person was allowed to speak if, and only if, they were holding the talking stick. Everyone else was expected to sit and listen in silence. In fact, we often teach children that it is rude to talk when someone else is talking. Interruption is frowned upon and considered to be a sign of poor listening.
However, this is not the case in all cultures. In Japan, for instance, conversation is seen as co-created by both speaker and listener. The listener is expected to chime in with their thoughts, reactions, and questions, overlapping with the speaker. This art of conversation is known as aizuchi. Aizuchi directly translates to “mutual hammer,” referring to the additions of both master and apprentice to the forge. In Japanese culture, if a listener simply sits in silence, they are viewed as unengaged and disinterested.[2]
Even within the United States, the expectations surrounding turn-taking differs. Dr. Deborah Tannen, a professor of linguistics in Washington DC, poses two kinds of conversationalists: high-considerateness and high-involvement.[3]
High-considerateness speakers consider it polite to wait their turn. They avoid interrupting to show that they honor the speaker’s turn.
High-involvement speakers, on the other hand, consider it rude to leave awkward pauses in between turns. To show that they are engaged in what the speaker is saying, they make comments, finish sentences, and elaborate on what the speaker says.
Rather than distinct tendencies, these categories mark the ends of a scale on which conversationalists may fall. A person can even move up and down on the scale, depending on the topic of the conversation, their audience, or even just how they are feeling that day.
Neither approach to conversation is necessarily more “correct” or “polite.” However, issues often arise when two participants of a conversation fall on opposite ends of the spectrum.
Imagine, for example, that Brandon and Sarah are on a date. Brandon is a high-involvement conversationalist, while Sarah is a high-considerateness conversationalist. They both walk away from the date thinking it was awful. Brandon felt that Sarah wasn’t interested in what he had to say. He was frustrated that he was left to carry the conversation alone and wondered why Sarah had nothing to contribute. It is these feelings that often lead people, like Brandon, to say, “Sarah is so shy,” “My date was too boring,” or “I just didn’t click with her.” Meanwhile, on the other end of the conversation, Sarah was wondering why Brandon never paused long enough for her to get a word in. She felt like he didn’t want to learn about her and was only interested in talking about himself. Like other high-considerateness speakers, Sarah left saying, “He is so full of himself,” “He talks too much,” or “Our personalities don’t mesh.” In reality, the problem lay in their expectations regarding turn-taking. Brandon was open to and waiting for Sarah to interject and provide input, and Sarah was waiting for Brandon to pause and signal for her turn.
Gretchen McCulloch and Lauren Gawne suggest that when you find yourself in the middle of a conversation feeling like Brandon or Sarah, you should try to do what seems rude to you.[4] If you think it’s rude to interrupt, try overlapping a little bit and share a story that relates to what the speaker was discussing. If you think it’s rude to leave awkward silence between turns, try counting to three before starting or continuing your turn. Job interviews, family reunions, group projects, conferences—the chances for awkward conversations are plentiful. You may be surprised how quickly doing something “rude” can transform your conversation.
Communication is more than waiting your turn: active and attentive turn-taking takes effort. It is only through true conversation that we demonstrate respect, deepen relationships, discover truth, and solve problems. Choose to be conscious, considerate, and involved in your turn-taking. Choose to show respect to others. Choose to communicate.
References
[1] Discourse Analysis by Barbara Johnstone
[2] “Aizuchi: Why It’s Impolite Not to ‘Chime In’ in Japanese” by NativLang
[3] Conversational Style: Analyzing Talk among Friends by Deborah Tannen
[4] “How to Rebalance a Lopsided Conversation (Pragmatics, High Involvement vs High Considerateness)” by Lingthusiasm
